yes the end.

for about 12 years I have spent my time blundering through various weblogs, DA etc but it's something I can't be bothered with anymore.

It's amazing when I think about the things the internet has gotten me into and how a simple 56k modem pretty much changed my life forever.

Those first days on IRC, the server was irc. msn .com the channel was #the_loony_bin. Minutes turned to hours to days to months. The crazy people I met, my first "real" love. Of course looking back at it it was possibly just "hey here's someone willing to have sex with me".

It led me to America, a family I didn't ask for and responsibilities you shouldn't have to be dealing with when you are freshly 19. Although the year or so I spent there was tough it was a growing experience. The lessons I got were hard ones and although I should have learned sometihing from it all I found myself making the same mistakes after. I must admit the question still poses now. Did she love me or was I an easy ticket out of the USA? Once we moved to England she wasted no time in finding someone else to sponge off of. Left me with that first misogynist feeling of "women can't be trusted" but more importantly the first lesson in love... "Don't rush in too fast"

Of course such is life and we all move on, I generally waste no time in doing so and the next love story came from my place of employment at the time. Thus I managed to discover another golden rule in love "NOT AT WORK". It was an interesting relationship, I was very cautious having just been burnt and she was very keen to break the first lesson in love. We met somewhere in the middle, usually naked for hours upon end. A high libido has always been a curse of mine and it was quite pleasant to find someones who was greater than my own. Eventually I had to finish it, I didn't want to move in together at the time, I didn't want children and marriage. Hell I was 22ish at the time, I wanted to have some fun first! From what I understand she got married a year or two ago and has her house, children etc. I'm happy it worked it well for her and takes the sting out of me ending it a little.

In comes the internet again... Yes I wanted some fun and for some reason 18 yr old hot girls from the internets hitting on me seemed like a good idea. Besides she was a gamer and could hand me my ass in a game of rogue spear and would spend time talking about her *ahem* purple plastic friend *ahem*. Hey I was still impressionable but yet again another lesson learned "Just because they say xxx doesn't mean they will do yyy" a bit of interesting ICQ conversations and phone discussions (although I don't think heavy breathing counts as a discussion) it eventually petered out even though I was growing up I did realise that ANOTHER trip to the USA to someone who still lives with their parents and isn't even old enough to buy alocohol isn't a good idea.

Besides... I had recently joined DA for the first time and had stumbled across Akashka. Now this is a story that rivals romeo & juliet except at this time nobody has died yet ( although a few have come close ).

Having spent so much time on IRC, so much time getting screwed over and screwing people over I had developed a very firm level of reading peoples attitudes and manipulating them to my own gain. It's one that has continued to grow as the years progress and I'm sure I could really put it to evil use as a criminal mastermind but I don't want to get a long haired white cat to stroke while the hero is lowered into a vat of acid.

So I came across this french girl and first thoughts were of course something along the lines of "gotta get me some of that" but unfortunately she was smitten with some idiot over in america who was so hot or something ( I eventually got to have a VERY brief convo with this guy a few years later... Let's just say "I'm hot and I know it, I don't need to be smart or interesting")

I don't think I actually interfered with the connection between them although it's possible I did on a subconscious level but eventually she agreed to come to the UK to see me! ME of all people, if the internet was a crowded street I'd have been strutting down it holding my head high and laughing at all the peons below me. As it was I had to settle for everything except the striding.

Yeah it was great, and for some reason again I ignored lesson one and decided hey lets quit this job and move to france. People would say "do you speak french?" or in the worst cases "parlez-vous francais?", to both the response was generally errrrrr.

Following that path led me into hell. I thought america was bad but the one thing I realised was hell is a lot easier to stomach if you are too naive to realise it's hell. I won't deny things went well at the start and we had fun. But eventually there are certain things that had to be faced. Now I can be mean here but the point as to why will follow after (cause it's hard to follow before)

These are the things that kill a relationship dead.

1. Good intentions do not make the world go round
2. My ex is my best friend = my ex will replace you as boyfriend eventually (well try to )
3. Languages are not acquired overnight
4. Trust is earned not given
5. Her friends are rarely your friends, you cannot automatically like people because she does and vice versa.
6. Acting like everything is fine when it isn't solves nothing
7. You can forgive but you cannot forget

So yeah she cheated on me, her best friend this wonderful guy etc etc. Love is blind? Well lust is blinder (is that even a word?). I guess I deserved it to a small extent but it depends on your point of view. I have more respect for the "it's over now I will do what I want on my own" rather than the more cowardly "I'll try this, if it works I'll get rid of you" which society seems to thrive on these days. She moved out and proceeded to... Well I don't want to think about it although I did a lot and still do.

Somewhere in this I got my life back. This is where karma jumps in. This is why I have a firm set of morals to fall back on. I'll admit the first month or so after she was gone I ended up in hospital cause no sleep or food for a few days will do that to you, alcoholism seemed like a good idea so I gave that a shot. Suicide? I considered it on a daily basis but refused to fall for it.

Then I found out something. I had friends in France, these people wanted to see me and would go out of their way to make time for me. I started clubbing again, out to bars, out with GIRLS! Unfortunately although some were entertaining there was a barrier in my mind that I couldn't get past and things never really got to the naked grunting stage.

Things were getting better daily but apparently for someone else they weren't. The honeymoon was over, things weren't meant to be etc etc. I don't really know the details, I've never asked for them and don't want to know. As it stands this "ex/boyfriend/best friend/ex again" is still on my kill list so it's probably better not to push me over that line where I'd actively hunt him down rather than hoping god will handily place me somewhere in his vicinity with a lack of onlookers / video cameras in the future.

She starts creeping back, at the time it was amusing to see her acting this way especially as I know that for the first period of the "It's you I love" things weren't exactly through with the other guy yet... I should have probably been objective about things and said... dude get a grip she will only do this again the next time some guy turns up she is vaguely interested in.

Love makes you do stupid things. You just have to hope you did them for the right reasons but never forget

1. Good intentions do not make the world go round

So yeah as it turns out I was right... Who would have thought it.. This guy who I said was a selfish, immature child who thinks only of himself and will happily use and discard women to get his bit of pussy.. Was exactly that!

Well anyone who is willing to break up a long term relationship is scum as far as I'm concerned anyway. But it takes two to tango.

The result is back together again. Another journey on the roller coaster. The future is unwritten and that's a good thing. The past has been etched in stone but so it goes. Can I trust her? Can you trust anyone?

No. The majority will be selfish and act in their own interests. You can trust people but never 100% you will eventually be let down and it hurts when it happens.

This time I will continue to learn from my mistakes. I will have a life outside a relationship, I will work at it and although she is my everything I won't lose everything else (wow that's deep). I will continue my gaming, but it won't become the only thing I do this time.

And the childish part (because I am only human after all).

I have my list of people I want revenge on. On entry to France it was empty ( having ensured to sort out everyone before I left England )

One day it will be empty again!

I guess the advice is live for yourself. Don't let others cloud your view and more importantly enjoy your life. You have one and it's a beautiful thing. Appreciate the sunrises, the smiles of strangers and the opportunities you get every day to make new contacts. One day it all ends and the way you live on is in the thoughts of others.

Make sure those thoughts are good ones and your soul will soar forever on wings of love.

In closing down every other blog I've had since 1995 I have deleted everything. I'm leaving this one as my final legacy and can only hope anyone coming across it may learn something from it

<3